It’s been a dramatic year so far, and I have had a lot of situations to take in, evaluate and figure out.  I’ve really spent a lot of time this year looking at where I’ve come from and what I want to do.  For such a long part of my life I pursued baseball so passionately because it was the one area that I actually excelled at beyond everyone around me instead of lagged behind in.

Before I started playing baseball, I loved school.  I couldn’t wait to go to elementary school in the morning.  Heck, I even hated when we had days off from school when I was still in my single digit age range.  Since baseball fell through for me, I’ve more or less been wandering around finding what I want to do hoping I stumble on it.  Then I started thinking back to the passion I have always had—making a difference for others, especially with kids.  I’m going to go back to school, get my master’s in elementary education and become a teacher!

There’s a lot more to explain to how this came about, but I know this is what I want to do and I just get more and more excited simply by thinking about it!  When you find your passion, never let it go…this feels amazing!

I like to be active, not just because I’m an active person, but because being sedentary actually makes me sick.  If I stare at a TV or a computer screen too long continually, I get horrible headaches.  Being a brain surgery survivor, you take headaches beyond seriously.  Each survivor has their own situation they look out for.  For me, if I start getting headaches on the side of my head where my shunt is located, I don’t freak out by any means, but I get cautious and slow down a bit.

For me, being active improves my health and keeps me away from situations that worsen my health.  It’s a double-win situation, but jumpstarting the lifestyle I now live with ease took some time and, yes, determination to get to this point.  Oh has it been worth it though.

I see my friends commenting on the headaches they are having, or even better how relieved they are to be headache free for a given amount of time.  I think the reason they scare us so much is because it’s a glimpse back to the pain from the headaches remembered prior to surgery.

I know that I have a disability, and I know the situations that give me headaches and I know the reason why the headaches occur, but I hate using it as reason for why I’m struggling, faltering or whatever the case may be.  Too many people make excuses that anytime it is justified feels vapid to say because of how society others interpret you saying it and inferring why you are saying it.  That’s why I stay active and avoid the sedentary situations.  The healthier I make myself makes me even healthier.

Here's hoping my other survivor friends have that same success and extend the length they have between headaches!

Being told, for as long as I can remember, that there were no promises as to how much ability I would have across my life has perpetually driven me in many ways.  There have been definitive goals I have striven towards, knowing they are achievable, and equally knowing others would be blown away by it.  It’s reasonable to say that I have been a driven and motivated individual.  It’s definitely a good thing, but the more I accomplish the more I try to continue to do.  Sometimes I may wear myself thin, but for me I have always viewed that level of commitment as the factor that will get me where I want to be.

I strive for excellence, pushing myself beyond what anyone would imagine knowing full well that it is within my capability.  I can’t settle for anything less than that, but I know there are concessions everyone has to make in life.  From the start of my memory, my life has felt like a concession, which is exactly why I refuse to settle and when I do have to settle, I make sure to minimize the time I’m in that situation.  There is too much negativity in the world and it is very easy to get sucked in.  Keep your momentum at the forefront because working towards your goals is not only what makes you happy, but will keep you happy through any concessions you run into.

I got up a bit groggy this morning, but still made my way out to the bus in my timed rush.  As I approached the street that I cross to get to my bus stop, I see the bus pulling up.  I wave it down, assuming it wasn’t the normal driver because the bus was 5 minutes early or so.

The woman opens the door, tells me the bus before this one never showed (so it’s a good thing I didn’t try to get to the gym early today) and that she was just turning around to head to the metro station.  The driver looked and sounded familiar, and then she recognized me and was seemingly impressed by how diligently I have maintained my gym workouts.  She made a fuss about how I looked and made sure to surprisingly tell me how big I have gotten.

Now, I appreciate the sentiment, really I do.  I know the compliment that she was inferring towards me; maybe it’s just my own personal gripe with the word “big” and how it can be interpreted.  I mean, the reason why I started losing weight 5 years ago was because of how “big” I was.  I wanted to trim down and get in shape.  Now, after 4+ years of regulating my rouine and finding a balance, I’m able to excel at the gym and bulk up.  I know that is the meaning of the word “big” she was implying, but I wish people would be more exact with their wording and say “bulked”, “muscular” or “toned” instead of the more vague terms like “big.”

It’s my own personal battle.  With losing 65 pounds, it’s very easy for me to always look at myself as the fat boy I grew up as.  Taking on the long-term process of rebuilding my body and bulking up is obviously going to put weight back on, but I always look at myself under a microscope and will fear and stress over if I’m gaining too much.

I’m at a point now where I know I look great, I’m on a steady diet and am active enough where I do not have to stick to that diet strictly.  It’s odd for me to have that freedom, but I know I’m getting somewhere because the first thing I thought of when the bus driver complimented me today was take it as a compliment instead of wondering if I needed to lose more weight.  It’s been a long process, and it’s one that many people go through.  Finally pulling out of the murk of stressing over every little comment others make and realizing how well off I am is proving to me that I’m more prepared to help others overcome in the same fashion.

Wishing everyone a Happy Easter and Passover!  Enjoy your weekend and share love with those you care about most.